I lack knowledge. It's not as if I haven't been searching, but often times I have put myself in a situation where I've collected just enough information to get a fuzzy mental model, and then move on to implementation. I've often over looked finer details, to refine and shape, thus making the models mostly useful (specifically but with minor errors, and ubiquitously without true understanding), but lacking the specificity that is necessary for asking the deepest questions. Without the challenge of deeper questions, it's very easy to end up in a place of inaccurate self cognition. You think you know more than you do, and you can't even comprehend nor understand the knowledge you lack. That's why it's important to ask questions.
I lack ideas. Again, it's not as if I'm at an empty tank, but the way my mind used to wander and wonder, the epiphanic ideas I had, it is lacking. There is no time in my day to day to exercise such a skill, and as they often say "use it or lose it". Although trite, I do believe there is some value in considering that when a synaptic pattern is not utilized, the neurons will fire less and less in that manner over time.
This space is for bringing up questions as well as seeding ideas. As a good friend once said, there is inherent value in questions, and as somebody who constantly looks for answers it is of utmost importance that I designate a space to emphasize my dark spaces. As somebody who also regularly gravitates towards form and efficiency, it is also important to designate a space explore the dark space and contrive ideas, good or bad, so that I can explore all possibilities and then evaluate them. As my good friend said, kill your darlings. I believe that many projects begin from ignorance or impotence, but through exploration, observation, evaluation, prediction, experimentation, and implementation we can potentially build a system that we can understand utilize. This is a starting place for that process.
A subject brought up by a friend during a passing conversation about routines, the idea of how one effects the other, or how I define it within my mind, as well as how professionals within the mental sciences define it, is curious to me. I would like to explore the nuances and connections if any do exist.
One of the most prominent of moods that factors into my distraction into media comsumption is when I am feeling overly aggresive and determined towards progression. While both emotions are useful in controlled amounts, when too much is pent up from a lack of meditation towards one's life, it can lead to anxiety which can potentially affect one's direction or focus. For me personally, when I have had unexplored anxiety, I've found myself revved up, trying to find victories for the gentrified societal idea of success, like it's a video game.
The goal itself is beyond my interest as I don't really mind the methods I use for any of my goals. My concern is the speed which leads to the following issues.
These feelings create a routine of:
And thus the loop is finished.
I find myself at a faster rate of living, when I am focusing too much on the future, which is a natural tendency I have when I stray from looking at life. When I forget to meditate and create space for myself, I end up thinking that slowness is hard, and that there is no saratonin reward for doing it, but in fact, there is. Similar to the pleasures of working outL feeling the pump, feeling confident in the progress, learning to relax without guilt in the off time; I think there is just as much pleasure to be gained from exercising my mind further.
All we require is a shift in our view of reality. This can be done by adjusting the knobs of all the aspects we take from art. Cuisine, images, sculptures, music, writings, videos, these were all things created because of our minds and it's interaction with life. For instance, when you're feeling this sort of mood of agressive and determined towards progression, just take a minute to think about some different genres of films, think about murakami, think of twee, think about bossa nova, think about Melissa but in the good times, think about how you would write about a japanese suburban strip mall next to a residential apartment complex, with random people from life going home or heading out. Think about art.
When we get into this sort of mood, an ideal way of opening our minds back is to utilize our own imagination. Rather than being distracted by other media, by finding a simple way to either create or imagine a piece of fiction, or to use art to shift our view of the world, we can change our tempo from feeling too fast, to something slower paced.
Am I afraid of death? Am I afraid losing my powers and my abilities? What if I were to start slowly losing each of my abilities. Maybe, my hip and back are completely broken, and I wil lose my ability to walk, or work. And my eye sight goes bad and I become relient on glasses. And maybe I never get my motivation up to the point where I can get fit, so I lose my ability to move about.
I don’t necessarily think it is a bad thing, from an anecdotal hypothesis based on psuedo-anthro-biology, I assume that this feeling of "“"consume new information => gain emotions" was a great pattern for encouraging further learning as well as remembering said information. And even in our current state, where information is pretty much king of content, this kind of pattern is encouraged within our work. But, I think when it comes to how this habit can dictate our free time, it can become a dangerous habit to form.
If we are controlled by an ever continuous necessity to consume information, and considering the ease of how much content is placed in front of us, it becomes more arduous to try and deny informational consumption rather than looking for it. Our need is now over met, thus controlling our primal needs becomes the issue. Without such control, I find myself consuming constantly. The need to feel some kind of mental stimuli has become almost automatic. Sitting down and doing nothing is almost an impossibility.
Being calm and in the moment does not necessarily mean you will be productive.
I started with a misconception that I was not able to fail: "I should be able to control myself." When I failed to follow through on anything I got really mad at myself and depressed. The reality is that I can try to do things, but the chances of success are dependent on a fuck ton of variables beyond a simple misconception. Just as it is impossible to control the external world, but only ride with it and interact with it, the same can be said for myself as a being. This means that when I am successfully able to do things that I planned, I should be very grateful for fortune smiling upon me, as well as joyously celebrate and really feel the success.
Do not be distraught by feeling emotions. Feel them because they are good and they are what make us humans and animals. Feel them and let them be with you. Then you can explore them.
Maybe think about goals in the context of how a family member would suggest them. Are they for me? Do they help administer some semblance of structure into my life? Is that what I want? Is that what I need?
Bring mindful awareness of physical sensations during mental challenging situations, to influence the mind.
My mind often steers towards analogizing food and information. There are foods that support nutrition and recovery, there are foods that focus on taste, and probably many others. Similarly, it's easy to believe that there are some bits of information that are made for entertainment, there are some that try to pass on life lessons, there are some that exercise our emotions, like empathy, and there are some that are strictly for knowledge.
Is this a fair analogy to be using? What are the similarities and what are differences? Where does the analogy fall short? How is the analogy useful? What can the analogy teach us?
If I'm going to be trying to meditate more, it'd be nice to write down the journey of learning and and experience I gain as I go through it. It'd be nice to make an attempt to hold onto more lessons longer as I learn them. Maybe do it in the same format as the changelog where we just go by dates? I think starting off with just 1 page and then expanding similar to this one as necessary may be a good idea.